Severance

For as radical as I would appear, I cannot seem to master radical acceptance. 

I'm afraid that I will not be able to accept the things I cannot change. I will certainly not be living life among people during a pandemic. At a time where scientists, doctors, researchers, epidemiologists generally agree that we are rushing to open and congregate; I'd imagine hearing that my therapist agrees does very little to sway your opinion either way.

I've been seeing her for anxiety related problems for two years. She always listens diligently and thoughtfully and then works out measured reasons that I don't need to worry about the specific intrusive and catastrophic thoughts we discussed.

I rambled my ramble about all the reasons that I became panicked again. I told her how I was in stasis with my anxiety until the state opened back up. I was as close to peace as I'd known in 2 years because it seemed like people were doing the right thing. That there was unity in a fight against an unseen enemy, and that people were willing to protect each other by staying home. We finally found a united cause.

And then everything crumbled somehow.

The news became less about front line providers who were getting applauded and people singing from their balconies and more people protesting that their rights were being stolen by closing the state. Less about visible pollution reduction, and more about people attacking other people for not wanting to expose their immune compromised selves or loved ones to the virus by staying home. I am not talking about the argument that "we need to work to provide, so the state needs to open" but "we need to cull the herd- tough shit if you can't be outside; that's not our problem. We refuse to wear a mask to protect you. We will not stand 6 feet away from you. MY freedom. MY choice. YOUR choice is to stay in."

Divided we fall.

I explained how I'd felt that petulant quality in the world at large for so long, and that when we all went inside to save each other, that feeling went away for two weeks. When it came back seemingly stronger and more outspoken than ever my panic went through the roof. My anxiety said: I told you people generally don't care about others. I told you they were self serving, not to be trusted. I told you being among them was dangerous. And just like you cannot tell who has the virus by looking at them in a grocery store, you cannot tell which ones are infected with anger and apathy. And which of them are armed misanthropes. Which ones would be willing to shoot you if you worked at a store where you were paid to tell people to put on a mask before entering. How long until people wearing the masks are in danger as well because we are perceived as weaker, or supportive of mask wearing in general?

I'm not just afraid of the virus, I'm afraid of so many people. Not only are they spreading the virus willingly (or ignorantly), they are angry at people who are afraid of the virus (instead of being angry at the virus), and many are unpredictably violent.

I rambled and my therapist listened. At the end of the session, she still had good recommendations to help me navigate my anxiety, but for the first time she couldn't negate the legitimacy of my fears. 

Now other people can see them too.

(Artist is Radici Studios)